Grief

Today popped up a memory on Facebook:

My most favorite person in the world ate breakfast, wonderful chips, brie, and crackers (chips and brie is really good) for a midday snack, and then a pretty darn complete dinner!!!!!!! And we had a little bit of music in the house today, as well as some more binge watching of Alpha House though we went backward to begin season 1 with Jen and Jess : ) and visits from both Lorna and Gail.

This is my first election post on Facebook:

It can’t be two years. I miss her so much it hurts. That description was of mum’s last Sunday. That day of false energy that gives you hope right before you lose the person you love. I knew she was going and it would be soon. This day, we talked about the right to die. It is ironic and an incredible blessing that today – in either of our states – my mum could have made the decision that she wanted to make in her time, and of her own will.

I’ve not yet spoken about the election – I’m grieving there also – my fear of what is to come – going back instead of forward – last time I felt this fear we went into two wars and spent thousands of lives and trillions of dollars. I feel justified. We need a national conversation about race, about misogyny – we do not need more attempts to crack down and  send more people to jail. We don’t need to make more people afraid.
I’ve got someone I love more dearly than life who feels like her country no longer welcomes her because of her last name. Her mother has Native American blood, so does her father. She has deeper ties her than anyone to this country and Trump has made her afraid.
This doesn’t feel like my America. The hate, the chants of lock her up, the misogyny, the comments about sexual assault, the fraud, the… How do we erase it. How do we move forward. I don’t see it. I just know that the person who was a stateswoman, who held herself proudly over every possible attack possible had a better chance.
I want to look at my nieces and say that they have an equal chance but we wouldn’t allow a woman to be President while we would allow a man who broke every social norm we have.
I didn’t have a dream of being President as a child. Nothing showed me it could be true. I’m not sure anything has changed.
I’m reaching for the hope that my mum taught me but at this time of year – my hope is pretty fragile thing. Trump scares me. Full stop. The hate that he has woken scares me…

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